Dream a Little Dream

Ever get that feeling, towards the end of an intense dream, that things all of a sudden start malfunctioning or, even weirder, morph into something else?  Where all of a sudden, despite passively accepting all of the nonsensical parts of the dream when it first began, you become aware of the illusion?  Reality seeps in, and you open your eyes.  Maybe sunlight washes over you, maybe the buzz of the alarm shocks you into motion, or maybe it’s the sound of a baby’s cry that gets your feet planted on the ground.  

Sometimes this is comforting, no?  Sometimes you fall into a deep sleep, and the dreams are frightening.  They show you a world where you are alone, fighting, struggling, running.  The moment where the illusion ends is met with a sigh of relief – everything is okay, you’re awake now.  

Sometimes it is the opposite, though.  The dream – the illusion – is a sanctuary against reality.  A peaceful interlude that gives you a break from the chaos.

The other night, I had a dream that I was living in a small claustrophobic room, and directly above my head, there was a hole in the ceiling where I could see trucks and cars passing right over us.  Mindy Kaling from The Mindy Project was asleep on the floor to my right (like I said, nonsensical), and seemed blissfully unaware that we were living right under a highway, and that there was no way out except to climb out of this hole and risk being run over.  As I was plotting our escape, trying to figure out how fast we needed to climb out of the hole and dart across the highway in between the cars zipping by to get to safety on the other side, the walls started morphing, and suddenly our little bunker turned into the back of a truck.  Someone else was driving the truck, and Mindy and I were still in the back, this time being jostled back and forth, not knowing where we were going.  At this point, the illusion started to fade.  I could believe Mindy sleeping on the floor of my underground bunker, but I could not believe that the bunker had turned into a truck.  Reality began to seep in, and I woke up.

I was relieved to be awake.  The sun was shining right through the window, Akiva was sleeping peacefully next to me, and Idan was in the other room, beginning his morning ritual of sweetly talking to himself until either I or Akiva came in to greet him.  

I was relieved to be awake, but had I really woken into reality?  Isn’t our life here, in a way, an illusion?  A peaceful interlude before the chaos of transplant?  The whirlwind hospital days and pre-testing leading up to admission, the unpredictable but inevitable events and incidents post-transplant, the constant trips back and forth to the clinic, the pharmacy, and the hospital, and the gargantuan efforts required to turn the whole trip into an adventure, yet still maintaining some semblance of normalcy, for Idani as every little fiber of his being is tested and challenged… isn’t that reality?  

This week, our home appliances have been taking the biggest hit, each of them taking turns malfunctioning.  The illusion of our peaceful life here is slowly being peeled away, and, come Sunday afternoon, we’ll be jerked into reality.  Maybe it will be the Seattle skyline washed in sunlight, or maybe the wheels touching the ground that shock us into motion, or maybe Idan’s voice sweetly talking to himself as he gazes out the window of the airplane, but we’ll open our eyes, and the illusion will be over.

I don’t know how I’ll feel when I wake up from this particular dream.  I don’t know if I’ll be relieved to be taking our first step towards the end of a horrible nightmare, or if the fear and chaos of transplant will be overwhelming.  But I do know that, as long as Akiva and Idan are by my side, I am ready to wake up.